I am 31.
I am charismatic, smart and attractive. I have a college degree, live in a hip neighborhood, and have a good job. I also have a good looking boyfriend that is supportive, loving, and talented. I am sweet, funny and compassionate (yes, it’s all true).
Nonetheless, I don’t fit in. I never have. I don’t think I ever will. And more than ever, I am so happy about that.
I don’t fit into the common world.
In May, I will turn 32. And yet, I feel timeless, better than ever. Alive.
As I look around my peer group, I realize how little I have in common with them, seeing my life and theirs…
- I don’t feel that “I’m getting old” because I’m in my 30s. That is a sad belief, and a wrong one I may add.
- I am in a loving relationship, but I’m not married (nor do I want to be, why ruin the fun? I don’t need it to feel secure).
- I like kids, but I don’t want any (or maybe I do, but when I AM READY, not because my “clock is ticking”… I cant believe people still say that!).
- I do not dress “appropriately” or according to my age, whatever that means (nor do I look like a hobo- I’m actually quite fashionable! I just don’t fit on the realm of boring and repetitive).
- I don’t believe that your career equals success and success equals your career (that is way too much pressure, don’t you think?)
- I don’t have friends that are loving to my face and stab me on the back (that “high school lifestyle”, as I call it, ended for me…in my 20s).
- I don’t believe in God (nor am I an atheist. I fulfilled that in me. As a former devout Catholic, I found it gave me no comfort or solace).
- I do not believe death is inevitable (yes, I said inevitable, contrary of the obvious outcome that has plagued society for centuries).
So… you can read this and wonder why I am the way I am, or why I feel this… “she’s a cynic”, “she’s a non-conformist”, “she’s weird” or maybe even “she’s full of herself”. Well, you don’t know me, so you can’t assume anything (Don’t you hate it when people judge you without knowing who you really are?). But I do have a different lifestyle, belief, point of view, emotion, and sense of living. I am physically immortal. And so are you, if you feel it in your gut. So really, all of the above are not exclusive to me; I chose a life with no limitation. Truth is, if none of the things above were real, I still would be good enough now to feel and live this way.
But guess what? I wasn’t always like this!
I used to long for marriage, babies, the perfect career, acceptance (especially from the opposite sex) and even the afterlife. But somehow I felt like these longings were “borrowed”, not really my own wants or needs. It felt empty. I was miserable.
And then it changed.
I moved here in 1996 with my mom from Venezuela. I wanted live in the US ever since I was a child; I loved everything the “American Dream” offered. I never felt attached to my country; It’s a beautiful place, but I just couldn’t get attached to it.
My mother got involved with a community that believed in physical immortality; in essence, they believed the body does not have to die, if given the right environment. At that time, I was 7 years old (and I felt old, pretty mature for my age I’d say). I didn’t think anything of it, I was in Catholic school, prayed every night and day, got straight A’s, had a lot of friends, and I was the teacher’s pet. So you see, her new “lifestyle” seemed silly to me. I had my life all planned…or was it someone else’s plan?
So I followed her here. Blindly. My gut told me to go; I could’ve stayed with relatives, but I knew I had to go.
My teenage years were nothing short of a nightmare: didn’t speak the language, didn’t have much friends, didn’t fit. People were mean. Really mean. Those high school movies turned out to be real. Then in my 20’s, I still felt lost, no sense of a life or purpose. I spoke the language then, but couldn’t understand why I still felt like this. I could never “fit.
Despite it all, I was always very responsible, even in my torment. I worked full time as a cocktail server and bartender while going to college full time ; because I was not eligible for scholarships, I payed my way through college all by myself, all cash (I graduated with a 3.8 GPA, yay me!). I also had my own apartment, one too many boyfriends, went to parties, drank, this and that. You know, the typical 20 something college lifestyle.
So it’s not like I was a “privileged” kid, nor was I disabled or poor. Nor was I antisocial. I was the life of the party, but I was simply unhappy. I always asked myself: “is this it? is this all there is?!!!
At 25, my life took a turn.
I started getting sick a lot; that never happened to me before. My depression was escalating (along with my weight and my drinking). I ended up in the hospital. Many tests later, they found cysts that had burst in my stomach. I’ve never been so sick before. I was in and out for a month. That experience really shook me up. It was a wake-up call. I needed to change, even though I wasn’t sure how or what.
My mother, someone who I never listened to because I always felt “you don’t know me better than me”, sat me down and talked to me. For the first time, I heard her passion for me, for my life. Not her judging, or badgering, or pointing the finger: it was passion. And I couldn’t resist it.
I went with her to a People Unlimited event the summer of 2007; I remember feeling overwhelmed by the love of people in that room. I knew a lot of them throughout the years because of my mom’s involvement, but I just never felt that it was for me. Yet this people were so undeniably real and loving, I couldn’t resist. Again. I was so used to the shallowness that it actually made me uncomfortable.
When I heard Bernie and Jim express, I couldn’t understand what it all meant. “Living forever” just sounded too weird and crazy, but my body couldn’t stay away. And so I stayed, and as the time passed I got what they were talking about. It’s about getting rid of the limitations, the belief systems, the rejection. The fucking rejection of the body.
The body is beautiful. It’s meant to thrive, meant to live, meant to shine. It’s the right of every human being to feel the best they’ve ever felt… how can you say that is bad?
Dying doesn’t appeal to me. Being limited by age, race, sexual preference and beliefs are not appealing to me. Being lonely, depressed and sad is not appealing to me. The cult of death is not appealing to me. People should be able to be, love and feel whoever and whomever they want; it’s their right. And mine too.
Being with people that support me and love me and adore me appeals to me. Being that to others appeals to me. Being someone that can give someone else a chance to live and thrive is the best. It touches my soul. If this happened more often, people wouldn’t die in wars, and injustice wouldn’t thrive. Family is great, but treating everyone with love and compassion is better. It shouldn’t be exclusive. People Unlimited is not a group to me, is my life.
And the best part, it keeps getting better and better.